Why don’t I just kill myself?

There’s two material conditions which need to exist before this can occur. Something I set a while back, probably sometime in the first half of 2015.

  1. I need to have made something of value.
  2. I need to have written out why I believe there’s no hope.

The first basically translates to “getting good at drawing/painting”, which seems like it’s a couple years off. It doesn’t have to be drawing, but since it’s what I’m doing and it’s the only thing I can do where I make something, it’s probably going to be drawing. Due to some recent ideas of story being significantly more important than visuals, there’s an increasing probability, though still very unlikely, that I will stop thinking of drawing as worth anything and pick up writing instead. But it won’t be anything else because 1) I don’t think anything else I can do is worth anything, and 2) anything else that is worth something is on the scale of changing society, or otherwise costs a lot of money to even practice, let alone execute, money I don’t have.

The second would be trivial to execute in relation to the first and could theoretically be done any time. Would take maybe a week. I just haven’t done it because it feels like it’d be a drag to write and wouldn’t serve any purpose other than it’s one of the conditions I have to meet.

I wonder why I set these conditions. It’s not like anyone else is holding me to them. There’s no point in them anyways. Most peoples’ taste in art is garbage, they can’t tell what’s good and what’s not. And no one’s going to read what I wrote because they want to find out why. It’s nothing more than a bit of pride, some characteristic of my way of thinking I can’t change. If I have to go, then I have to leave something behind that people in general can appreciate, and something else which explains why. Just how it has to be.

If I could be so unquestioning in that it’s possible that there’s hope for a brighter future then that’d be great. But I doubt that solution. Everywhere I see doubt and where there’s hope I almost only see lies.

Advertisements

One thought on “Why don’t I just kill myself?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s