Old Year Review 2013

I don’t feel like making a new year’s resolution. I don’t particularly like the idea either, for all the usual reasons why someone doesn’t like new year’s resolutions. Mainly because they fail. The one I made last year was a failure on quantitative grounds, but not qualitatively.

My goal is to become a better communicator, my resolution is to read a solid book every two months, and my method is to make the writing on this blog as clear and as clean as its title and the ideas I’ve attempted to write in it.

I read a lot more than I did last year, but the various specifics fell apart as the year moved on. I think I’ve at least learned why I’m a bad communicator in several significant ways.

The method I’ve basically given up on. This blog started off as a place to dump my various posts on facebook that weren’t politically correct, then it was the persona of the blog being my own mentor/priest. But then “All else is Halation” changed from “Revival of Discipline” to “There is Only One Game”, and recently it’s felt more productive to write less – at least less than I might’ve used to. I don’t intend this to become entirely a personal diary or log of daily events so it’s better for time to filter out some less important things. That and I’ve already written that life is surprising – the fact that I wrote two short posts about this has had a larger impact on me than many of my long planned-out posts.

So instead, here’s a list of ten things I gave up this year. “Give up” as in stopped pursuing, ala that proverb or something that you only fail once you give up. The following are things I have decided are not or no longer worth my energy or investment. Conceptually, a list of things you’ve already done is easier than a single line of what you will do. For whatever reason, people like only “looking ahead” though.

But since this “One Game” thing has been shaping my direction pretty well already, I don’t really need to word it into a single sentence.

I do need to formalize my regrets though. This I think is a greater indication of direction from the “year”scale”.

Ten things abandoned in 2013

10. 3d modelling

I don’t like these sorts of programs in general. There are way too many unintuitive and flashy controls in the way of drawing something exceedingly simple – like photoshop, except you can’t even make what you’re making look pretty. I attempted to look into and do a little of Daz3D / Poser / Maya in the 3DX direction. Even more controls. I can’t deal with it.

09. coding

Attempted to learn C++ on the side / for fun. Ran into several troubles here and there with Visual Studio every other step. No one did it with me, no economic benefit in sight, not fun.

08. cycling

It’s fairly clear someone up there does not want me on a bicycle. Three years at college, an accident every year. This year I would have died but got away unscathed, then they decided to send a car at me anyways. That, and it’s clear I’m not in and not getting in the inner circle of the cycling club here, and everyone else is just a money chump. That and it’s just not interesting. Takes too long to actually get suited up to actually even use the bike. Un-exportable skillset. Better to just do pushups; same result of not needing to think and just counting.

07. complaining about things on facebook

no one cares. might as well complain on the streets. better to just talk with a friend or two, about any and all grievances.

06. league of legends

Not dealing with tank meta. s2 adc meta was the golden age, where combat flowed because meta was sustained damage. s3 assassin meta was fine too; the openings were simply more important each time, like it was the same game but more fragile. But now, openings  don’t really exist because it takes so long to kill things by the time you do anything the rest of their team will have arrived. And even if you take it, the guy will respawn with full everything before you take an objective. Hooray for guaranteed 50 minute games? I’ll play igo/weiqi instead, thanks.

05. politics

It’s not interesting, everyone’s delusional, everyone’s a liar, and there are more pressing concerns like actually getting a job rather than worrying about a job rate or policy. Frankly more choice and only important if I’m looking into working in other countries, at which point I’m not doing a democrat/republican comparison.

04. looking for more games

PVE games are necessarily dumb. There haven’t been any good PVP games since the Guild Wars 1 (late Factions) era except for maybe CounterStrike, but I’m suddenly horrible at FPS for whatever reason.

03. college

I’ve been believing too hard. The name of the game is actually “doesn’t matter got paid, doesn’t matter got laid.”

02. discipline

Technically I haven’t, but it’s something I can’t be allowed to really think about or look at. This is not because it is bad, but because it is bad for me to attempt to purify more of it into word or other form. You don’t give negative encouragement to the depressed, you don’t give positive encouragement to the arrogant. More “discipline”, either in the sense of me talking about it or whatever other way it exists on this blog, is counterproductive for me. I’m starting to think the reason I talked about and was able to talk so strongly about it is because I believe it’s one of my strong points. This doesn’t help anything by itself. Like a picture with only light in it, it might as well be blank. I need to be looking in the other direction to balance it out at least a bit.

I have been focusing too much. I need perspective.

01. focus

KS: i wish i was this good at talking with grils
KS: then i could replace you and a number of other people wtih gril equivalents
KS: and have a reaction of “thats cute” rather than “wow” to everything
KS: too bad i get the jeebies after realizing im talking to a girl
KS: or wait thats an old term
KS: i believe its dropping spaghetti now
LX: Talking to grills is easy
KS: is it now
LX: It is.
KS: i dont find talking to anyone particularly easy
KS: except when i do
KS: in which point it happened already so i cant really analyze how it did
KS: maybe its just because there are very few girls around in my major
KS: or alternatively i picked the wrong major
KS: there’s no particular reason to go to the other side of the classroom to talk to the girl
LX: Just do it.
LX: You don’t need a reason
KS: >getting told on girls
KS: >by a middle school dropout neet
KS: how-low-can-you-go.jpg
LX: Almost all of my friends, ever have been girls.
LX: Not counting most of my internet friends.
KS: what proportion of them do you bang
LX: Not enough.
KS: is it a nonzero value
LX: Talking and banging are two different things.
KS: oh, are they
LX: Contrary to popular belief, yes.
KS: im part of popular opinion on this one then
KS: i have a reason to talk to them to begin with.
KS: hence the details above.
LX: You need to talk to her before you bang her
KS: obviously
LX: and the reason to talk to her, is not to bang her.
KS: obviously
KS: so there has to be another reason
LX: You’re in the same class.
LX: There’s your reason
LX: Don’t over complecate it with reasons, just do it.
KS: …
LX: If you spill the sphegetti oh well.
KS: i dont spill the spaghetti if i have a reason
KS: im just a very bad reason generator
LX: Make up a reason
LX: Just go up to her, and say hi.
KS: im not a creative person
LX: Start a convo about your class.
LX: Start simple.
KS: im like haruki from feelbum
KS: i cant just do these things to random people
LX: Whos that again?
LX: Oh.
KS: once i get started i can go anywhere
KS: i can get real close to basically anyone in a ridiculously short amount of time
KS: the first scene/step is what i can’t get down consistently
LX: Is she in your engineering class?
KS: im talking in general
KS: ive done it before
LX: Hm
KS: i failed in the end for various reasons, but they weren’t linked to my start
KS: my start was the generic let’s study together – though i dont remember how i went about it
LX: Talking to random people, regardless of gender takes quite a bit of people skills.
KS: i positioned myself near her and just asked and it went fine, i think it was
KS: oh wait
KS: is it people skills
LX: It is.
KS: is it “people skills” as a category i dont have, or a category that i dont use that has items that i do have
KS: >too analytical
KS: hi
KS: i think i get it, vaguely
LX: Well, use your analytical-self to your advantage.
LX: Use it to hide the fact you may not be good with people
LX: Don’t ask me how to do that.
KS: i just considered the most recent example of friends i got from my SMAD class
KS: i’d just throw out random ideas without any particular hindering of myself consciously to any rules
KS: some people didnt work, some people did
KS: i was actually interested in the conversation and their opinion
LX: There you go.
KS: and then everything else fell into place
KS: now that i think about it
LX: That’s how you start convos with random people
KS: thats basically what i did with that girl too
KS: and a handful of other girls i forgot because it didnt work out on step one
LX: What is “not working” for this example?
KS: discussion didn’t really start
KS: short answer or no answer
LX: Oh okay.
KS: again i have no real problems with everything else
KS: i dont have good people skills but clearly its enough for anyone who decides to talk with me
KS: its said that everyone judges in the first two seconds and their judgements generally dont change
LX: But there are different kinds of people skills
LX: Being able to hold a convo without problems
LX: Being able to start a convo
LX: Are completely different things.
LX: You seem better at holding a convo
KS: >taking communication lessons from a furry middle school dropout neet

i’m never going to get over this
LX: Unless you have a definitive reason to actually start one
KS: thats generally the case
KS: if i think of something
KS: suddenly it has to be definitive

KS: though if i actually paid attention, which i dont for whatever reason
KS: all my friends are friends due to conversations i started without thinking about it

KS: that girl was probably the exception; i was following a pick up artist theory on that and wanted to get in her pants
KS: everyone else, random conversation and random interest
KS: yeah, probably the sole exception

KS: every time i have a particular reason to talk to someone i get the spaghetti

KS: from professors to girls to etc
LX: You’ve sort of confused me.
LX: When you have a reason to talk to someone you drop the spaghetti?
KS: from what i just realized
KS: that appears to be the case
KS: the moment i want to have a particular conversation with a particular person
KS: the more particular that is, past a certain point, spaghetti starts dropping
LX: Okay I see.
KS: so its like a 3 phase thing rather than 2 phase
KS: or maybe 4
KS: but you get the idea
LX: I get the same way.
LX: But I never actually drop the spahgetti.
LX: But, the reason I get like that is I have an overwhelming fear of being judged.
KS: i dont have any fear of being judged
LX: I didn’t think so.
KS: my fear is of doing things imperfectly by some sort of religious/divine/arbitrary standard
KS: so the more i think, the more this standard has specific requirements, the more likely i am to fail those requirements, etc.
LX: Well, let me tell you.
LX: It’s okay to fuck up. lol
KS: im not raised to think that way
KS: the chinese stereotypes are not incorrect
LX: That’s kind of what I thought
LX: Not the chinese steretypes part.
KS: its what i realized when i started putting my head around drawing the other day
KS: i could no longer blame the tablet transition or the program cause even though they werent perfect they were pretty good and i was used to them enough
KS: i still couldnt draw anything to what i wanted
KS: so i was like
KS: why did i think i was good at drawing
KS: its because i was good at drawing – for a 10 year old
KS: i wasn’t an artist, but i was able to compete with artists and look like an artist
KS: solely because i had excellent pencil manipulation skills.
KS: but the older i got
KS: the more clear it was that my “path” could not build any more
KS: like the best steam engine, before internal combustion engines ramped up
KS: or best biplane, before monoplane
KS: best RTS, before MOBA
KS: etc. etc. etc.
KS: was improving the wrong technology.
KS: and my pencil skills were entirely based off of analytics rather than creativity
KS: i can’t create jack fucking shit from my imagination
KS: what i can do is fill in something thats already there
LX: But, drawing and being an artist are different.
LX: Being able to draw something, and being able to create something.
LX: Are not the same thing
KS: an artist can be a drawer. a drawer cannot be an artist.
KS: this was not clear to me up until a couple of days ago.
LX: That’s where you’re wrong though
KS: oh is that so
LX: Like any art form, it takes practice.
LX: If you’ve just started trying to imageine your own things
KS: im not saying i have no skills; im sure a lot of it can be ported over
LX: Of course it’s not going to come out perect.
KS: im using this relating back to what we were talking about for convos
KS: i can’t “create”
KS: from a truly blank slate i can’t create
KS: my personality is not creative
KS: its an imitator
KS: that being said
LX: I think you’re looking at it too objectively.
KS: all the best events were out of unpracticed creativity.
KS: i dont understand that criticism
LX: You think that you are inable to do something, just because you haven’t been able to do it
LX: For example creating your own drawing
LX: Let me think of how to explain oit.
LX: It’s going to take a second.
KS: revving up the brain…
LX: [brain intinsifies]
KS: may i recommend green tea and sour worms
KS: do you need some help
LX: No. :3
KS: i doubt you wouldve figured out how to explain top lane to me without me giving you directions
KS: >teacher getting directions from the student
KS: i dont have all day wolfy, i got a final to sleep for
LX: The best way I can think to sum up my thoughts on how you think you’re doing it incorrectly is
LX: Is that because you’re not doing it perfectly, you’re doing it wrong.
LX: Which, is wrong.
LX: you don’t need to do it perfectly to do it correct. wether it be making up and idea for a character to draw
LX: Or making an idea to talk to someone
KS: not something i have a problem with if i dont give a shit
KS: it is if i start giving a shit
LX: But, you do/.
KS: sure but not all the time
LX: That’s not quite the idea I’m getting.
LX: You seem to care more than you let on.
KS: of course
KS: i said i understand kazusa, didnt i?
LX: Yea
KS: im saying there are instances in which i am OOC
KS: and those instances are where i ironically have the most success
KS: Out Of Character
KS: in this case
KS: not giving a shit
KS: you think i was looking for plat level material when i contacted you?
KS: i just found it interesting that /vg/ kept saying
LX: As you’ve said.
KS: when it was some silver 4 fiora main who’s obviously a waifufag of not very high tier tastes
KS: wasn’t so i could “get gud” or anything like that
KS: it would be for a time, later
KS: but when i contacted you, none of that was running through my head

KS: for whatever reason i dont learn from these experiences

KS: or didnt
LX: What do you mean?

KS: youd think that of 20 years of experience
KS: id be able to figure out
KS: the correlation between what i thought was caring/focusing and my success rate was the opposite of what it should be
KS: but it took me about 21


One thought on “Old Year Review 2013

  1. Pingback: Deadlines (Intermissions 6) | All Else Is Halation

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