…is probably the theme of what I have learned in these past four weeks.
I got a flat and fixed it next to a creek on a hot afternoon, flatted again on the way back and crashed, got ~30 mosquito bites. Failed to fix bike back to perfect condition after a full day at a garage, got severely discouraged. Then had a term paper. Then had some pretty serious side effects from medicine. Then had finals. All the while, I stopped Kendo completely, dropped off pretty quickly here on the blog, stopped cycling, slacked off on cooking and thus eating well, and picked up a lot of video game time.
I should’ve known better, really. I was set to write a complementary theory to the Gears entry, and two of my four classes were all about paying close attention to detail (concepts and geometry, execution was only multiplication and addition). By itself the crash and the 30 mosquito bites is probably something I could have taken care of. The biggest change was probably my refusal to try and do other things to feel better after failing to re-perfect my most treasured possession. I still pulled weight up until that point. But then I gave up. And things rolled downhill from there for the second half of the term, with pushes from reality and weak counters from me.
Though I had made negative momentum out of my self-pity, I thankfully had built up absolute distance for the hell to run down, and was able to extend it by cutting out things – this quarter was still the closest I’ve been to Four of a Kind.
Still though… I had so many things to say even before the crash, and now so much time has passed on so many time-sensitive things. Was going to write up something off of the Kim Kardashian To Date Jeremy Lin thing, then the Kony 2012 thing, and something else that was supposedly big that I’ve since forgotten about – all while linking through the big ideas I like to write about. I can still write about those things of course, and it’ll still hold relatively the same power. Unfortunately it won’t be completely applicable in the same way, because it’ll be produced at a non-optimal time.
But shit happens. You’re going to inevitably run into things you can’t deal with, and hope will be lost. I think that is the key. If you lose hope, hope will lose you. While things do happen on their own, you are always in control of how you react to it – if not directly as in immediate action, then indirectly as in how you have acted over time and how your perspective and feelings will flow. That being said, there is no way to avoid fault or error completely. There are errors you seek, errors you fix, errors you can’t fix but will hold through, and then errors on self-control. You will fail at each, one time or another. The less fundamental ones can be dealt with skill. The fundamental ones rely on luck.
Inevitably, you’ll also return to a point at which you can fix things again. Even though states want to preserve their own existence, emotional states especially, they are not perfect. It is easy to think that because you’re already depressed, you can’t get un-depressed. However, it is just another version of you, and just as we always believe we have the fundamentals down on whatever we are doing and then lose it all on the execution and specifics, so is also true for the purposes and mindsets of you when you are “not yourself”.
One can almost say that this is the easiest enemy of all. When you lose all hope and are drowning in self-pity, your enemy is yourself and your state of depression. That state wishes to continue itself, but it has all the errors in execution you do. You know yourself better than anyone else, and you should know yourself better than you know anything else.
Find where you err in execution.
Strike when fortune favors you.
Reverse it, the error propagation ends.
I have finally reversed mine, this time.
Let’s get back to work.