Rebirths

I had this weird time window yesterday where I felt dead about everything.

Last Sunday, I had a midterm on Friday that was going to wreck my life. I didn’t go to any classes because the professor was just a bad walking version of the textbook – I told myself it was an 8AM class and I could study by myself with better online resources and the book anyways, but I never did. What I had been doing was finishing up reading the best story ever written, so that day I combined those feelings with my need to not fail to study hard that whole week. I ended up getting this amazing work ethic I had never before experienced – one time I took a break to play a few games, and it ended up feeling bad afterwards. When I finished the test that morning, I didn’t mind that I had forgotten this or that part or didn’t really know how to do a certain problem. I had that feeling they always talk about, that because I did my best, it doesn’t matter what the numbers churn out to be.

This week, I had a 7~10 page lab report due Wednesday, a midterm on Wednesday, and another midterm on Friday. I felt I had a lot of work to do, but once I mostly finished the lab report and found that it wasn’t so hard after all, I basically stopped doing anything. I didn’t bother preparing for the midterm on Wednesday at all. And yesterday, I just stopped doing anything. Didn’t want to get out of bed, didn’t pay attention in class, didn’t want to eat lunch. I couldn’t hold a conversation for too long. A lot of bad old habits came up. Though part of it was probably due to malnutrition, I had also just lost motivation to do anything. I cared not either way – not that the class was important to my major or my dream, nor that if i failed it then my major’s entire schedule was going to screw up. I was just… okay with not doing anything. It was pretty disgusting. But I didn’t particularly want to change it.

Thankfully, I talked about it with a friend about it and we played a few games of Starcraft to first clear my head of just general grogginess. Then, in another chat, a person asked me what my goals were – any of them. Then, he said that whatever it was or whatever they happened to be, me studying and doing stuff was probably part of what I’d need to do to.

I’m tempted to think that the problem isn’t that I failed at keeping the main thing the main thing because I “forgot”.

I know the solutions to such lack of motivation problems are to start off small doing stuff that you’d be willing to do (for me, that would be things like doing laundry and dishes), and then work up to the things you don’t want to do as much. I know that mentally, it’s a matter of remembering what you want and whose expectations you want to live up to. But knowing it doesn’t do me any good. It can, sometimes. But because it doesn’t and because I want to be able to systematically go from unmotivated to motivated, there is some factor I am not accounting for yet.

Is that factor “hearing it from someone else I know well”?

Is it, instead of imagining what someone wants, to actually have them there to remind you that there is actually someone who has those desires?

Is this what friends are for?

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4 thoughts on “Rebirths

  1. Pingback: Halation « rezzealaux

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